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.Foo’s eyes were all anime-huge and started to get tear-spangled, and my noble love ninja looked all pleading to me like, “Please, do not abandon me, despite my obvious emo tendencies.”So I’m like, “We’ll give you a hundred thousand dollars to leave our love lair like nothing happened.”And Rivera is like, “We’re not interested in your money.”And gay bear cop is like, “Wait, where did you get that kind of money, anyway?”And Rivera is like, “Never mind, Nick, it’s not about money.”And I’m like, “OMG Rivera, your bad cop skills suck ass.It’s always about the money.Don’t you have a TV?”And he’s like, “What happened out there this morning?”And I’m all, “You know, vampyre kitties, meter maid sucked to dust, samurai in orange socks, Abby’s kung-fu of solar ass-kicking.” Then to Foo: “Foo, the jacket is the sickest shit ever!”“Which is a good thing,” Foo translated for the cops.And Rivera is all, “Vampyre cats? That’s what the Emperor said.”’Kayso, it’s clear that the cops have doubts, so I explain the whole battle, and Foo’s theory of how Chet is making vampyre kitties, and how we are pretty much fucked nine ways to Kwanzaa because it’s the end of the world and whatnot, and there are metric buttloads of kitties in the City, and only two fly, vampyre-frying solar jackets, mine and Foo’s, and we are being detained by law enforcement assbags instead of saving humanity.So Rivera’s all, “What about Flood and the redhead? You helped them, right?”Kudos to Inspector Obvious, we’re only living in their loft, spending their money, and hanging our damp towels on their bronzed bodies.I was all, “They left.All the vampyres left.Didn’t you talk to the Emperor? He saw them get on a boat at the Marina?”“The Emperor isn’t the most dependable witness,” Rivera says.“And he didn’t say anything about those two, but I find it hard to believe that a cat, even a vampyre cat, even a gang of vampyre house cats took down a full-grown parking enforcement officer.”So I was like, “Chet is not a normal vampyre kitty.He’s huge.More huge than normal.He’s getting huger.If you don’t let Foo work his mad science skills to cure him, by next week Chet might be dry-humping the Transamerica Pyramid.”Foo was nodding like a manga-haired bobblehead.He was all, “Truth.”The big gay Cavuto cop is all, “Can you do that, kid? Can you put this shit storm back in the box?”“Absolutely,” says Foo, when he totally has no clue how to catch Chet.“I’ll need some time, but leave the handcuffs on, because that’s how I work best.”Foo can be most sarcastic when faced with day dwellers less intelligent than himself, which is almost everyone.’Kayso, Rivera takes the sleeve of my jacket and starts turning it over, looking at it, all Neanderthal discovers fire face.And he’s all, “Can you make one of these in a leather sport coat? Forty long?”And I’m all, “Are you coming on to me?”And he gagged a little (which was mean), and he’s all, “No.I am definitely not coming on to you, Allison.Not only are you the most irritating creature on the planet, you are a child.”And I’m all, “A child?! A child?! Do these belong to a child?” And I pulled up my top and flashed him.And not just a flash, a full, glorious boobosity.And he didn’t say anything.So I turned my headlights on Foo and the big gay cop.And they’re all, “Um-uhr-uhr-um—”I’m like, “Et tu, Foo?” Which is Shakespearean for, “You traitor!”And I ran into the bedroom and locked the door.I was kind of wishing I’d taken a hostage, except really the only weapon I had was a jacket with little light warts all over it, so I was limited to being dangerous to vampyres and emos who get their feelings hurt really easily by my snarky wit.’Kayso, then I stared into the dark abyss that is the meaninglessness of human existence, because there was nothing on cable
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