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.They were truly good-natured girls, much too used to being overshadowed by their older brothers, James and Arthur, whom we saw only fleetingly during that week.Theresa’s reaction to my confession made me smile at the time, and makes me smile again now: it makes me recall a similar discussion between you and me after our first quarrel.Do you remember how we, too, had cause to ponder the wildly varying memories shared by two different people of the same event?Lily and Katie came to Cork city to collect us when the week was over.They met us at the station and looked after us on the train journey home.They settled us into our compartment, with strict instructions not to move, and then they left us, reappearing from time to time with food and a thermos of hot chocolate.We became giddier and giddier as the train approached Amiens Street Station.We hadn’t spoken of Papa at all during our holiday, but I think each of us knew that he occupied all our thoughts, particularly now, to the exclusion of everything else.It was May who first brought up the subject.‘I wonder will Papa be there when we get home?’‘I don’t know if I care,’ said Hannah.I was shocked.Her expression was cold again, disdainful, and she turned away from us and stared out the window.Neither May nor I said anything.I think I understood instinctively even then that Hannah felt displaced, that Papa’s return would somehow rob her of a privileged place in our household.She had been Mama’s confidante for three years, sharing her joys and sorrows.Once Papa was home, she would return to being, simply, a daughter.He was waiting for us in the drawing room when we reached Leinster Road.He seemed smaller to me, almost sunken, his head withdrawn a little into himself like a tortoise.I know I felt suddenly shy.I looked to Mama, standing with her back to the window.The air in the room was strange, almost brittle, but she was doing her best to smile.‘Hello, Mouse,’ he said softly.‘My, but you’ve grown.’‘Hello, Papa,’ I said, accepting his kiss, feeling a little wary.He smelt different, somehow, almost fusty.He turned to May and kissed her, too.She went bright red and stammered, ‘Papa – welcome to our home.’There was a silence, and his smile faded.May burst into tears and fled from the room.Once her sobs had calmed later, she turned to Hannah and me in bewilderment.She had really meant to say ‘Welcome home’, but it had all come out wrong.Poor May, she was inconsolable.I think he kissed Hannah, too, but I can’t remember.My memory seems to fall apart at the moment when May ran from the room.I really don’t know what happened next.The following days were subdued.I don’t think that anyone even attempted to keep up the subterfuge of New York – we simply never mentioned his absence again.Papa moved about the house quietly, keeping out of everyone’s way, as though he realized he didn’t belong.And Mama? I don’t know how she struggled through those days.She was the same with us, the same with Grandfather Delaney, and ladies started to come to tea again in the afternoons.I suppose our lives settled back into some form of normality late that summer.We learned to live around Papa, not quite with him.At twelve years of age, I decided I was no longer comfortable with his calling me ‘Mouse’.I was finally growing up.Still, I was reluctant to leave Mama when the time came to go back to school.I felt she needed someone to watch over her and, to be truthful, I felt, too, that Hannah had usurped far too much of her during the previous three years.Mama was easy to persuade: I think she liked the idea of having me at home.And so the decision was taken that I should go as a day-pupil to Loreto on St Stephen’s Green, rather than as a boarder like my sisters.They had each other, so they didn’t seem to mind.I settled into the luxury of my own room, my own books, and Mama.Papa and I circled each other warily for a time, and then he seemed to decide that I wasn’t worth the effort.Hannah: Summer 1896PAPA’S FACE HAD gone quite white.He seemed not to know what to do with his body.He looked around vaguely, after May had left the drawing room, as though searching for her, or forgiveness, or an escape – it was hard to tell.Welcome to our home.The air in the room seemed to grow suddenly still, then fill up with tension.Hannah stood very quietly after May’s outburst; Mama stood, unmoving, between the window and the heavy drapes.Her face was turned away from everybody.Nobody seemed inclined to speak.Hannah stepped forward.‘Welcome back, Papa,’ she said, and allowed her cheek to receive a trembling kiss.‘I hope you’re well.’‘Well, yes, well,’ he agreed, nodding his head.There was an eagerness to his tone which saddened Hannah, made her suddenly want to cry.She wasn’t sure why she had stepped forward – she supposed it was a mixture of duty, embarrassment at May’s faux pas, and a sudden sympathy for the figure standing by the window.It seemed to come to life abruptly, to become Mama again, once the spell of silence had been broken by her father’s kiss.‘Papa’s tired, dear, he’s had a long journey.Perhaps you could ask Lily to bring some tea.’‘Yes, Mama.’Hannah turned to Eleanor.‘Come, Ellie.Come with me.Mama and Papa need some peace and quiet
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