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.‘Why do I need that?’‘Your blood pressure’s still high,’ the obstetrician explained, ‘and you’ve got a lot of fluid retention.We just want to check your bloods and keep an eye on you, make sure everything’s settling down…’The midwives helped her to wash and freshen up and get into bed and then Gloria, who Celeste had guessed was the one in charge, finally came in with some real news.‘They’ve just transferred her from Emergency to Special Care.Once they’ve got her settled and as soon as your doctor gives you the okay, we’ll take you over to see her.Here.’ She handed her a photo.‘One of the nurses took this…’Oh, she was tiny, with a little pink hat and tubes and things everywhere, but she was hers…The few moments she’d had with her daughter were imprinted on her mind and Celeste already recognised her, could walk into the special care unit now and pick out her daughter, of that she was positive…‘Now,’ Gloria said, ‘she’s doing well, and she’s on CPAP.That just means she’s needing a little help with her breathing, to fill her lungs with air, and she’s been given surfactant and medicines to help with lung immaturity…’ She went through all the treatment her daughter was receiving till Celeste understood and then she again asked a necessary question, one that Celeste had so far refused to respond to.‘Is there anyone we can call for you?’ Celeste shook her head.‘I’ll ring my parents soon.’‘You shouldn’t be on your own,’ Gloria said gently.‘Is there a friend…?’‘Later.’ Again, Celeste shook her head.She wanted some privacy, didn’t want to share this moment now with parents who hadn’t helped, who apart from a terse phone call and a single cheque had done nothing.And neither did she want friends who hadn’t really been there around her, or a father who didn’t want to know—all of that she would face and deal with, but right now she just wanted to process all that had taken place by herself…‘Hey!’ The door opened and Ben’s face appeared.He was perhaps the one person she didn’t mind seeing right now—after all, he had been there!‘Thank you.’ How paltry it sounded, but she meant it from her heart.‘You’re very welcome.’‘How is she?’‘I’m not sure,’ Ben said.‘They moved her from Emergency half an hour or so ago…’‘Oh!’ Of course he wouldn’t know, Celeste told herself.As if he followed his patients up to the ward! Once he had handed the baby over, that would have been it for him.‘How are you doing?’ Ben asked.‘Not bad…’ She didn’t elaborate, didn’t want to bore him with the tests she was having.He was asking politely, that was all.‘Well…’ he gave a tight smile ‘…I can’t stay.I’ve got the real-estate ringing every five minutes—I need to sign the contract on the house.’‘You’d better go, then.’‘Do you need anything?’‘No.’‘If you need me to drop by the unit I can fetch some stuff.Do you have a bag packed?’‘No.’ Celeste gave a weak smile.‘I’m not that organised.Could I ask you just to check the plugs and things?’ she asked reluctantly, when he clearly just wanted out of there.‘I think everything is off, but I only went out for a walk.’‘Sure.’ He handed over her handbag, which was on her locker, and waited while she gave him her keys.‘Anything else?’‘Nothing I can think of.’‘Well, I’m on a night shift tonight, so I’ll drop these back to you.’ And even though he was taking her keys, even though he would be going back to her flat and checking her things, his voice, his stance was as formal as if he were just another doctor doing rounds.‘Congratulations, Celeste.’‘Thank you.’It was an exhausting evening.There was no rosy glow of motherhood for Celeste to bathe in.She told her parents the news and as expected they arrived a couple of hours later, bringing with them their endless questions and practically blaming her for the stress they were under.‘What were you doing, walking?’ her mother Rita scolded her.‘You were supposed to be resting.’‘The doctor said that I was allowed a gentle walk each day.’‘Have you rung him?’ Rita asked.‘Whoever he is.Have you let him know he’s a father?’‘No.’‘Well, don’t you think you should? It is his responsibility…’The time or place didn’t matter.The same arguments that had ensued since the day she had told them she was pregnant carried on at the hospital bedside.So much for a baby bringing peace, Celeste thought, waving goodbye to the fantasy that the arrival of their grandchild would cast the arguments aside.‘When will we get to see her?’ Rita demanded as Gloria came in.‘It’s just Mum allowed in for now,’ Gloria said, seeing Celeste’s strained face.‘They’re ready for you, Celeste.’It was a relief to be wheeled out of the room and away from them.‘You can actually have one of them come in with you,’ Gloria said once they were out of earshot.‘If you want—’‘No,’ Celeste interrupted.‘I’d rather see her on my own first.’They had to sit in a little annexe for a few moments until they were ready for them.‘You poor thing.’ Gloria gave her a kind smile, as they sat there.‘I bet this is so not how you planned it.’‘None of it’s how I planned it,’ Celeste admitted.‘You are allowed to cry, you know.’ Gloria put her arm around Celeste’s shoulders and felt her stiffen.‘It’s been such a difficult day…’ Celeste wriggled away because if she started crying she wouldn’t stop.And then it was time…She was wheeled in to wash her hands, and then she was wheeled past the incubators and finally she got to see her daughter.Lying like a little washed-up frog with all drips and tubes and that little pink hat on…Even then she couldn’t cry, couldn’t give in, because she felt she had to be responsible, so she listened instead as the special care nurse explained all the drips and tubes and that her daughter was comfortable…‘Can I hold her?’ Celeste asked, when they didn’t offer.‘Not today.We’re keeping her very quiet for now, but probably tomorrow…’So she got to hold her fingers instead and stared at her teeny pink nails and waited for this whoosh of love to come.It was there a little bit, only it wasn’t exactly whooshing as she’d expected—because there was this huge plug of guilt lodged in its way.‘Have you got a name for her?’‘Not yet,’ Celeste said
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