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."I'm fine.I'll be out in a minute." She stood up and let cool water pour over her face, then dried her skin with a rough terry-cloth towel until her cheeks stung.Finally, she opened the door.He looked at her with worried eyes, obviously concerned but still wary."Are you all right?""I'm fine.""You're still lying to me? After all these years, you can't admit that you hurt, that you ache inside, that you miss the love we had, the child we made.""Stop!" She put up her hand in protest."I don't hurt anymore.I've moved on.I've put the past in the past where it belongs.I don't want to go back.I don't want to cry.I don't want to feel any of it ever again.Don't you understand?""I understand why you're afraid of the pain.I don't understand why you can't share it with me.I was your husband, your lover, your best friend." His voice caught and grew rough."And you were all those things to me.I thought I could tell you anything until you shut down, until you closed me out.Why the hell do you think I started drinking? I couldn't stand how cold you were around me.You blamed me for everything.For wanting you to come to bed, for desiring you that night, for taking you away from our daughter.""No.""It's true!"Lisa closed her eyes against the sudden rush of memories.The emergency room was full that night with victims of a multiple car accident.She could still remember sitting on the hard chair, staring at a man with blood running down his face and feeling -- nothing."Lisa, it will be all right.She'll be okay." Nick touched her hand.She felt as if she'd been stung by a bee, and she yanked her hand away from him.It was his fault.All his fault."You -- you did this."Nick jerked back as if she had hit him in the face."Lisa, please.Don't say that.''"You made me come to bed.Don't keep checking on her, you said.Let her sleep.Let her cry.She needs to learn how to go to sleep on her own," Lisa sobbed."Well, now she knows how to go to sleep on her own.In fact, she knows how to die--""Don't say that.She's not dead.''"Yes, she is.While we were making love our baby was dying.Oh, God.I can't stand it.'' The pain ripped through her body until she felt as if she were bleeding in a thousand different places.She hugged her arms around her chest, feeling impossibly cold."Lisa.'' Nick reached for her, but she moved away."Don't touch me.Don't ever touch me again.''Her eyes flew open, and Lisa looked into Nick's face, suddenly aware of the truth."You're right.I did blame you.""I'm surprised you're willing to admit it."She shrugged, feeling helpless to change what had gone on before."We were young, Nick, so impossibly young, so unable to handle what happened." Lisa let out a sigh."What am I doing? I told you I wouldn't relive that night with you." She turned on her heel and walked down the hall to the living room.Nick followed her."Don't you think it's time we talked about what happened? We never have."She paused, her hand on the front door knob."We talked about it with the doctors.""No, you talked about it with the doctors, and I talked about it with them, but we weren't together when we did it, and we never once spoke of it to each other, except to assign blame.Maybe we should talk now."Lisa immediately shook her head.Walking down that street would be like entering an alley filled with street thugs.She'd never make it out alive.She turned her head to look at Nick."Let it alone, please.If you want an apology, I'll give you one."His jaw dropped open."You will?""Yes, I am sorry for what I said to you that night.You couldn't have known what would happen.""You're apologizing?""Don't make me say it again.""I think I deserve to hear it again.""Okay.Eight years has given me perspective.I know now that I took everything out on you.I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, my anger.I wanted to break something, to hit someone, and you were the closest one.""And you figured that out just now?""No, I figured it out about five years ago.I realized it the night Mary Bea was born, when I saw you standing in front of the nursery window.You looked at her with so much love in your eyes, and it reminded me of the way you used to look at -- at our baby.You wouldn't have done anything to hurt our child." Her eyes watered, but she blinked the tears away."Why didn't you tell me that night?""You looked angry, Nick.I figured you hated me and nothing would change that, certainly not an overdue apology."She wanted him to say that he didn't hate her, that he could never hate her, but he remained silent.She walked out to the porch.He shut the door behind them.Lisa glanced at the oak tree, not sure she was pleased or disturbed to see that the robin had once again taken flight."He's gone," she murmured."He probably realized he had the wrong house, the wrong tree, the wrong yard.""Probably," Lisa agreed, deciding that the robins were another topic better left alone."So what happens now?" Nick asked."Now?" She thought for a moment."Now, we pick up Maggie's kids and deal with the rest of the day and tomorrow.""That's it?""That's it.I'm going back to L.A.as soon as Maggie gets home.""To get married.""Among other things.I have a job, an apartment, friends."He crossed his arms as he leaned against one of the pillars of the porch."Yeah, me too.""That's good.Are you still doing construction?"Nick hesitated."Of a sort.You wouldn't be interested."Lisa felt as if he'd shut a door between them, and it felt strange because it was the first time he'd closed the door.She'd always been the one to draw the line of privacy, of what was personal, of what could be shared.Nick had always been an open book -- until now.He had changed.The thought made her feel sad.Nick had always been an optimist, expecting the best, living his life in the clouds of idealism and hope.When the bad news had struck, she'd been prepared, because she always expected the worst.Nick had fallen much further and much harder.If she'd wanted to, she might have been able to catch him, or at least try to break his fall.Instead she'd let him crash and burn, wanting company in her misery, wanting to punish him, because he was the one who'd convinced her to believe in happily ever after.As Lisa turned toward the car, she vowed she would never make that mistake again.* * *"Is it really possible to lose weight by hanging upside down?" Maggie asked, jogging to keep up with Rocco as he moved briskly through what he referred to as the Cardiovascular Club
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